I'm tired...that is the constant state I find myself in. I'm either at work or in classes. Of course I find time to hang out with my buddies (even when I should probably be resting).
Anyway...isolation. Have you ever wanted to be just left completely alone? Things that you didn't notice before annoy you now? Lately, I've been looking for isolation. Just me, myself, and God. At first I thought I wanted a relationship and even though that sentiment hasn't exactly changed I'd rather be alone right now.
Nowadays, I come to my apartment from classes or work and I go straight to my room and close the door. I don't really interact with my roomies and I find myself avoiding certain people. Part of it has to do with the fact that I don't feel connected to them anymore. Like part of me has been cut off from them. I'm not sure how to feel about that...mostly I just ignore it.
The end of my junior year is quickly coming to a close and I guess I'm starting to realize the changes I need to make. So I've declared Summer 2011 as the summer of isolation. It may sound horrible to some people but it sounds like heaven to me. It's what I need. A chance to live on my own and figure some things out. I'm trying to get back on track but I find that there are some things that still have quite a pull on me (and the worst is that I consider to let myself be pulled). So the best option is to distance myself from the distractions and interruptions.
I need a break from people. It may seem weird or hurtful to some but it's something I want. So I'll be hiding out, and if anyone's looking for me...well good luck trying to find me.
-->J. Lowe
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Monday, December 6, 2010
Another Year, New Beginnings!
OMGsh! So today is my 20th birthday and it has been AWESOME! It's crazy to think that i've been alive for 2 decades lol. I just praise God for blessing me to make it through this year. This year has been ridiculous! But I wouldn't trade it in for anything. I realize how blessed I am with family and friends. It's nice to know that people really care and love to see me happy on my bday. I appreciate everyone and just the gift of LIFE. I've built great relationships and I try my best to maintain in my day-to-day life. Despite disappointments and set backs, I understand that I can only live life to the best of my ability and be happy that God blessed me with such a rich life. My heart just fills to the point of overflow. I have so much joy on the inside and no matter what I'm gonna hold on to that.
--> J.Lowe
--> J.Lowe
Thursday, November 4, 2010
God's Been in the Middle of it ALL
So I decided to take the time to let God minister to me this week. I've set aside this week to listen to nothing but gospel and to not get on facebook. I'm a huge facebook junkie so it's been a little challenging lol. But the music has been so encouraging. And tonight God put two songs in paticular on my mind: "I Worship You" by Mary Mary and "In the Middle" by Smokie Norful. These are two of my favorite songs and every time I hear either one, they really minister to me, especially In the Middle.
Lately, I've been going through a time where I have frequent pity parties. I'm not one to indulge in them much, but when they come I really throw myself into them. Honestly, I've been so frustrated because I want a relationship so bad and yet I realize that it may not be what I necessarily need right now. And then my mother told me one day that you should NEVER want anything as much as you want God. It really put things in perspective for me. But I still felt so horrible because although I understand the truth of her words, it doesn't take away from the desire of wanting that companionship. And that makes me feel guilty. But when I listened to this song, I realized that in all of my pity parties, in me moving on from my past, in me finding things to be excited about again, in me finding a little hope...He's been there for it ALL.
It's amazing because normally I think that the little woes I have is nothing that God would care about. But He cares about EVERYTHING that I feel is important even when I think it's something I shouldn't care about. So now that I've found something to be a little hopeful about again, I pray that no matter the outcome I will remember that God is with me every step of the way. Because although I've been in this standstill for quite some time I know that it's only a matter of time when God will see fit to bless me and fulfill my desire. In the meantime, all I can do is be content in Him.
Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Chirst who strengthens me.
Philippians 4:11-13
--> J. Lowe
Lately, I've been going through a time where I have frequent pity parties. I'm not one to indulge in them much, but when they come I really throw myself into them. Honestly, I've been so frustrated because I want a relationship so bad and yet I realize that it may not be what I necessarily need right now. And then my mother told me one day that you should NEVER want anything as much as you want God. It really put things in perspective for me. But I still felt so horrible because although I understand the truth of her words, it doesn't take away from the desire of wanting that companionship. And that makes me feel guilty. But when I listened to this song, I realized that in all of my pity parties, in me moving on from my past, in me finding things to be excited about again, in me finding a little hope...He's been there for it ALL.
It's amazing because normally I think that the little woes I have is nothing that God would care about. But He cares about EVERYTHING that I feel is important even when I think it's something I shouldn't care about. So now that I've found something to be a little hopeful about again, I pray that no matter the outcome I will remember that God is with me every step of the way. Because although I've been in this standstill for quite some time I know that it's only a matter of time when God will see fit to bless me and fulfill my desire. In the meantime, all I can do is be content in Him.
Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Chirst who strengthens me.
Philippians 4:11-13
--> J. Lowe
Saturday, September 11, 2010
The Words I Could Never Say Aloud
I love you...no matter how much you hurt me. No matter how much you disappoint...my love still holds strong. What if I said no matter how hard I try I miss you...even now after everything my heart still seems to find room just for you. And yet you're not so exceptional that you don't irritate me to the point that it pisses me off. lol I find it almost unbelievable that even now when it should be crazy for me to even care...my heart can't deny that I'll always care....
Still because of you I push aside any hopes. I love but I don't trust....not even for you can I find it in me to trust what you say is true. In the end all I wanted was your ACTIONS...to prove to me that you cared enough to show me. That's why I've never found it in myself to let go completely.
But I'm determined...to find a true happiness and a complete love...with or without you. So this is it...I love you and you love me but in the end...IT'S NOT ENOUGH.
--> J.Lowe
Still because of you I push aside any hopes. I love but I don't trust....not even for you can I find it in me to trust what you say is true. In the end all I wanted was your ACTIONS...to prove to me that you cared enough to show me. That's why I've never found it in myself to let go completely.
But I'm determined...to find a true happiness and a complete love...with or without you. So this is it...I love you and you love me but in the end...IT'S NOT ENOUGH.
--> J.Lowe
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Life is Good!
Life...there are so many words to describe it. Wonderful...Amazing...Complicated...Unfair...Ridiculous.
I could go on and on describing it but the most important that comes to mind for me is that life is a God-given Gift!
Have you ever experienced so much joy bottled up inside of you that you feel like you can burst with it at any moment??? It may not be for any particular grand reason and everything may not necessarily be going right in your life, but you can just feel the joy nestled inside of you. Well that's how I've been feeling lately. Now mind you, it's not based on the cirmcumstances of my life because I've always realized that's where happiness comes from. BUT...because I have found peace about some things in my life it does contribute greatly to my joy. Sometimes it can be simply from me spending cherished time with my family or having gut wrenching laughs with my friends. Mostly, when I sit back and think of the favor God has on my life and realize that I can be worse off than what I am, I can't help but to feel a deep gratitude.
LIFE...How can you not love it? In this phase of my life I can say that life is so confusing and frustrating. But I wouldn't trade mine in for anything because although it hurts sometimes and doesn't go the way I want it to, I learn something from it all. So each phase I move on to in life, I take a little more wisdom with me that helps me get through it. Overall, life is good! And I just wanted to come and spread some joy to others. :)
I could go on and on describing it but the most important that comes to mind for me is that life is a God-given Gift!
Have you ever experienced so much joy bottled up inside of you that you feel like you can burst with it at any moment??? It may not be for any particular grand reason and everything may not necessarily be going right in your life, but you can just feel the joy nestled inside of you. Well that's how I've been feeling lately. Now mind you, it's not based on the cirmcumstances of my life because I've always realized that's where happiness comes from. BUT...because I have found peace about some things in my life it does contribute greatly to my joy. Sometimes it can be simply from me spending cherished time with my family or having gut wrenching laughs with my friends. Mostly, when I sit back and think of the favor God has on my life and realize that I can be worse off than what I am, I can't help but to feel a deep gratitude.
LIFE...How can you not love it? In this phase of my life I can say that life is so confusing and frustrating. But I wouldn't trade mine in for anything because although it hurts sometimes and doesn't go the way I want it to, I learn something from it all. So each phase I move on to in life, I take a little more wisdom with me that helps me get through it. Overall, life is good! And I just wanted to come and spread some joy to others. :)
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Life Changes
Uncertainty...it's not a good feeling. It's amazing how when one area of your life seems to work out, another part tends to go haywire. Has there ever been a time in your life where everything was going right??? I've come to the conclusion that it's just not possible. You can come close to that perfect happiness but you can never completely reach it. I'm not saying this to be negative...but on some level I do believe this is true. I mean think about it...if everything was right in life then God would not be able to show up in our lives and teach us the things that are vital...just a thought.
Life has thrown me and my family a curve ball. It's been in the making for a while but I guess I never thought that it would truly effect us. And now that it is...I don't know how I feel. There is no strong emotion that I can point out. The only thing I can think is...WHY NOW??? At this point I choose not to freak out because I've learned that is does no good, but the complete uncertainty of how my family and I will come out of this is frustrating. To think that we've been through this same storm for two years now is....I can't even describe in words. But then I must also admit that the blessings that has come out of this have been wonderful. Even today I received a great blessing that I've been waiting on...a car!!! Now it's not mine...but my older sister was gracious enough to let me use her car the remaining time I'm in college while she is overseas in the Navy. An even better blessing is that it gives me the chance to save money so that I can buy a decent car after I graduate...I must say THANK YOU GOD!
But it still continues to be hard throughout this uncertainty. And yet the only thing I can wonder is...God what are You trying to teach me and my family? It's a challenge when you're so ready to move on to better things but it just doesn't seem to be happening. But just like I tell myself in other situations...maybe it's just not time yet because God may not come when we want Him to BUT HE'S ALWAYS ON TIME. It's funny how it's so easy to preach something to others but it's difficult to teach yourself the very same thing. The only thing I know to do is pray. I feel that this has been a constant test of my faith but I'm grateful for the small blessings and even the big ones at times that God sees fit to bestow on me and my family. I think it's His way of saying "all in due time." And in the meantime all I can do is be patient and and grow in Him. I must admit I've lost sight of God...I've let distractions come in...my desires have steered me in other directions. But I'm determined to get it right.
So...uncertainty??? Yeah it's a definite pain in the butt and it leaves me feeling uncomfortable, but it sets me exactly in the spot that God needs me to be in. And although I may not agree with it...wherever He needs me to be is where I want to be so that my family and I can experience every blessing that He is ultimately leading us to. I just pray that we, especially me, will be in tune with God so that He may lead us.
--> J. Lowe
Life has thrown me and my family a curve ball. It's been in the making for a while but I guess I never thought that it would truly effect us. And now that it is...I don't know how I feel. There is no strong emotion that I can point out. The only thing I can think is...WHY NOW??? At this point I choose not to freak out because I've learned that is does no good, but the complete uncertainty of how my family and I will come out of this is frustrating. To think that we've been through this same storm for two years now is....I can't even describe in words. But then I must also admit that the blessings that has come out of this have been wonderful. Even today I received a great blessing that I've been waiting on...a car!!! Now it's not mine...but my older sister was gracious enough to let me use her car the remaining time I'm in college while she is overseas in the Navy. An even better blessing is that it gives me the chance to save money so that I can buy a decent car after I graduate...I must say THANK YOU GOD!
But it still continues to be hard throughout this uncertainty. And yet the only thing I can wonder is...God what are You trying to teach me and my family? It's a challenge when you're so ready to move on to better things but it just doesn't seem to be happening. But just like I tell myself in other situations...maybe it's just not time yet because God may not come when we want Him to BUT HE'S ALWAYS ON TIME. It's funny how it's so easy to preach something to others but it's difficult to teach yourself the very same thing. The only thing I know to do is pray. I feel that this has been a constant test of my faith but I'm grateful for the small blessings and even the big ones at times that God sees fit to bestow on me and my family. I think it's His way of saying "all in due time." And in the meantime all I can do is be patient and and grow in Him. I must admit I've lost sight of God...I've let distractions come in...my desires have steered me in other directions. But I'm determined to get it right.
So...uncertainty??? Yeah it's a definite pain in the butt and it leaves me feeling uncomfortable, but it sets me exactly in the spot that God needs me to be in. And although I may not agree with it...wherever He needs me to be is where I want to be so that my family and I can experience every blessing that He is ultimately leading us to. I just pray that we, especially me, will be in tune with God so that He may lead us.
--> J. Lowe
Monday, March 15, 2010
This Too Shall Pass
Ok...so I just ended a 5 year friendship and it is one of the HARDEST things I've ever had to do. I thought it would be easier to move on to another one as I said before but I was fooling myself! When some one is embedded so deep in your heart as this person is, it's hard to let go without feeling some kind of pain. So here's the rundown...
Boy meets girl...lol. You know how the story goes...girl likes boy, boy likes girl. It starts off simple and then somewhere along the way it gets complicated. I guess that just happens when you get older. Soon it just became a world of disappointment, hurt and confusion. Although none of it was intentional (at least i think), it still had just as much effect.
A lot of people ask: Why not just be friends? Well we did...we were friends...we were in a relationship...and then we were friends again. And then...we tried again! I say this time it's just too awkward and confusing to go back and try to be friends. So I ended the friendship...
I must say that I experienced a bit of heartbreak. I've always been one of those girls who hates crying and ESPECIALLY over boys, but this was a little more than I bargained for. But as my mom says...you have to let it out so you can move on pass the pain. And even though it hurts now...eventually it will pass with time.
Boy meets girl...lol. You know how the story goes...girl likes boy, boy likes girl. It starts off simple and then somewhere along the way it gets complicated. I guess that just happens when you get older. Soon it just became a world of disappointment, hurt and confusion. Although none of it was intentional (at least i think), it still had just as much effect.
A lot of people ask: Why not just be friends? Well we did...we were friends...we were in a relationship...and then we were friends again. And then...we tried again! I say this time it's just too awkward and confusing to go back and try to be friends. So I ended the friendship...
I must say that I experienced a bit of heartbreak. I've always been one of those girls who hates crying and ESPECIALLY over boys, but this was a little more than I bargained for. But as my mom says...you have to let it out so you can move on pass the pain. And even though it hurts now...eventually it will pass with time.
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